I Don’t Know What I Want To Be When I Grow Up…

Welcome to the blog! This blog is going to be a lengthy one, but I promise if you feel connected to the title it will for sure be a good read. If not, i’ll see you in the next post.

First I think it only makes sense to talk about my background, starting in high school and heading into college. I feel like that will kinda help paint the pic.

Up until my senior year of high school I was a gymnast. That was kinda all I knew and quite frankly all I really cared about. My junior year, I remember my friends (and teammates) were applying for college and I just kinda wasn’t sure what the right path was. I was a naturally B student (minus math. Fuck math), always took school somewhat seriously, didn’t care so much for the extra fluff that high school brought…until I was done with gymnastics that is.

I remember asking my mom if I should apply for school or what the heck my direction should be. I was physically hurt from my sport and I honestly never thought what the process of getting to college meant. I remember the R Hall had a list of students and where they committed to college and thinking…”ohhhhhhh fuck.”

I ended up getting in contact with FIDM SF and that was overall just a really intimidating experience. Up until this point, I wanted to be an event planner, a visual merchandiser, and creative designer of some kind. But I knew FIDM was not the push I needed. Everything seemed so foreign and above my head.

I think the whole summer went by and like August after I graduated I applied to the local community college. The first two years I took school as seriously as one could. I was taking 15+ units a semester and was getting the best grades of my life. I had an awesome job at Mary’s Pizza Shack in which I found some friends I still consider family at this point. I was really making my family proud.

At the start of what would be my third year and final semester at SRJC, my grandma fell really sick and ended up in a home. The whole family was really consumed with her wellbeing and not on what I was doing and what I was learning…this was new. I took a step back and realized that I really wasn’t in school for myself. I didn’t have a direction or an end goal, like one who is spending thousands of dollars a year should be. I wasn’t getting a college experience. I wasn’t happy. This became really obvious when my grandma passed away. I realized something needed to change.

“Scared? Good. We don’t grow when we stay inside our comfort zone.”

I was petrified to tell my parents and my friends. I just was so over spending the money and the time for something without a light at the end of the tunnel. And guess what? My parents were sad for me, but were not mad. I think they really understood. I expressed how I was interested in going back to finish, possibly starting at a different college one day, or finding something that truly made me happy. I think we all freaking cried.

I was so tired of feeling like I was behind in life. That I wasn’t adding to my community. I mean everything that I didn’t experience would make me sad: Prom, college night, graduations, college senior night, sorority shit, friends younger siblings going away to college, etc etc etc. Not healthy. Not my brand: Happy Madi

Almost two years later, my ex and I went on a “vacation” in Reno, Nevada. We basically signed our lease then and there and moved three weeks later. No one believed us. And people definitely were like…”Reeeeeno????” I mean if that isn’t nerve wracking enough, I was so scared.

I set a few goals for myself in that move, and I can say without a doubt I accomplished those goals.

  1. Keep growing — Try new things and meet new people
  2. Don’t be as hesitant and say yes more!
  3. Don’t let anyone get in your way of following what your mind, heart, and soul say

(Description of these photos: 1. just a day that was hard, this was v normal at the time. 2. A concert I went to by myself with money I did’t really have. 3. A polaroid of me drinking per usual. 4 and 5. Two drives I took by myself bc I didn’t want to talk about my reality)

Oh boy did I keep growing. I was doing all kinds of things outside of my comfort zone. And along that way, I met some of the most amazing people! Even more people I consider family! I was Happy Madi!

Much like the goal number one, I held myself to a standard to say yes more and stop thinking so much about some of my decisions — This was obviously with some parameters…have you met me? I went on trips, I explored Lake Tahoe and surrounding areas, I spent the night in hotels, I took my first spring break trip with my gal pals. Life was fab.

And, last but not least, I didn’t let anyone break my stride. I ditched my ex bf of almost seven years. Out of everything I have ever been through this was the most life changing couple months of my life. I was alone, scared, and extremely undervaluing myself and others. I pushed everyone away I could. I started drinking heavily. I was coping in a way that was scary from the inside out — yet one or two people really saw that pain. This is a whole other chapter, and a good one at that. I honestly would not be where I am today without going through such a tramautic season of life. And coming out of it, I gained the best blessing that has ever happened to me. Bryan.

But seriously, I wanted to escape my reality. I wanted to break my lease and move away. Not necessarily home, but away. I wanted to pretend like that whole part of my life didn’t happen. Holy unhealthy. Again, v feeling alone at this point. I even tried going to school to see if I could distract myself and find a path to sanity. I literally paid 11K for one semester to see if I could pull myself together. I didn’t do well. I didn’t even finish the semester. Not surprising.

Some hawt lad really talked me into staying in Reno without pushing me. I was a disaster at this point, I can’t believe we even had conversations as I was a ticking time bomb. I don’t know how I had any friends or kept my job. I’m telling you, my world was upside down.

In that half semester I did attend UNR, I overheard a counselor say, ” what about the idea of a life path instead of a career path…”

*Insert brain exploding out of head emoji*

What do I want in life? I want to be happy and healthy. What a thought. I have basically made it my mission to make sure that I am happy and healthy. (minus that 9 months that I knew I was moving to LV and couldn’t really talk to anyone about).

I know I am not the only one who still thinks, “What the actual fuck am I going to do when I grow up?” Some days I laugh about it and some days I could cry that I don’t have a career path. Although I made more than amazing money serving, I know that isn’t forever…but when I am done serving, then what? What about hobbies one might ask? Well, I spent three years pouring the hours into my previous employment that I kind of lost who I was.

Well know you aren’t alone. “Don’t forget you can change you life at any time. Any day you can delete your socials, go vegan, start exercising, cut off toxic relationships or move across the country. All it takes is a decision” I know some people that have a degree and have gone a completely different way because their hearts and souls pulled them for a specific job that was outside of the realm of their degree. And guess what, that is okay!

I would like to note, that I do think education is important. I think those four-ish years are seriously some of the most important years of young people’s lives. The experiences that one goes through in those days are what help shape them. And although school is still not for me in this season of life, I do find it important to put my head down into something that is important for me. In some seasons that was head down at work, in other seasons it is finding a hobby, much like this blog, to fill my creativity cup. Something I can work really hard at!

I felt alone in a lot of those really hard times in my life and I preach and practice helping others through hard times. I never want anyone that I know to go through something alone or feel alone, especially when leaning on someone might really help. And that can be in any freaking avenue in life, not just the unknown. If you know someone going through something or feeling alone / lost, try to show up any which way you can until that person heals. Remember that will different for each friend, each experience.

Pure Happiness

Be patient with yourself. Nothing in nature blooms all year.

Thanks for giving me the space to start to share my story. I am excited to have you along this journey. You da real MVP